The Definitive El Paso Top 25 1/2 List

Given the nature of Borderland residents to be enthralled with top ten lists that mention El Paso, I present the only list you’ll ever need on what El Paso is.

25: Yes, there really were live alligators in the fountain of our downtown plaza. Take that Phoenix.

24: Before he was a Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris was Lone Wolf McQuade…and kept El Paso safe from David Carradine.

23: Yes there is a Rosa’s Cantina, unknown if Felina is there, but they do have darn good tacos.

22: Merging into traffic is a lost art in El Paso. That driver paid (most) of his taxes and, by god, he’s going to use HIS part of the road.

21: If you like tubas in your music, then 95% of El Paso radio is your cup of tea.

20: We have a sister city, Juarez. But the relationship is more like that with a crazy tia: She’ll let us do weird stuff at her house, but when we leave, we talk s#!t about her and THAT part of the family.

19: The ‘rio’ in Rio Grand is more of a suggestion than a description. If a Westsider leaves a hose on, there’s more water in that runoff than our beloved river.

18: Speaking of water, when it rains in El Paso, it really DOES pour. And it will lead every single newscast in the city for at least 48 hours.

17: And one more thing about water: Wet N Wild is our only water park. Its crowded, filled with more characters than the Star Wars bar and we love it.

16: If a car overheats on the freeway, expect a 2 hour delay. And it will lead every single newscast in the city for at least 48 hours.

15: Aside from the not-so-random stabbing/shooting between angry teens or young adults, Northeast El Paso is a REALLY nice place to live.

14: In fact El Paso is one of the safest cities in the nation. And its not a conspiracy or cover up. Look up the crime rate for cities this big. I’ll wait.

13: Speaking of conspiracies, speaking of conspiracies is the #1 hobby of most disgruntled El Pasoans

12: Also, unfounded gossip (known as chisme’) is tied for the #1 hobby of most bored El Pasoans

11: Additionally, complaining about everything is also tied for the #1 hobby of most bored, disgruntled El Pasoans.

10: El Pasoans are fascinated by Top 10 lists where El Paso is included. Kinda like kittens with a ball of yarn, they’ll play for a bit, then get bored and look for something else to look at.

9: Looking at wrecks on the freeway is the #1 activity for most El Pasoans, especially when not allowing other motorist to merge.

8: El Pasoans dislike anything new (baseball parks, toll roads, new malls) but will readily tell you how great they are once they’re open for a week or so.

7: The like or dislike of Chico’s Tacos is a larger debate than the national debt, taxes, immigration or the existance of an afterlife.

6: Immigration is part of our everyday life. We immigrate from Fabens to EP for work, Canutillo to EP for movies, Jz to Ep to visit family and friends. We’ve accepted it for the last 400+ years. You should too, once you do, life is pretty good. (see #14)

5: A TV show about El Paso should be shot in El Paso. Most are not, and they’re REALLY missing out.

4: Chances are, you will run into someone you know from high school or elementary school every day you live here. It’s a good thing. (see #’s 14, 15, 17)

3: Marty Robbins, Johnny Cash, Elizabeth Taylor, Pancho Villa and Billy the Kid all spent time here. Did I mention Chuck Norris has too? Take that, Phoenix

2: We have so much land here, the Army can have live-fire exercises north of the city and not worry about hitting anything but their targets…and Juarez in 1947. Sorry ‘ bout that.

1/2: The entrance to the Lost Padre Mine can be seen when standing in the plaza in front of the Juarez Cathedral, through its twin spires. The mine contains all the gold from the Aztecs/Spainards/Mayans/Aliens. Or not. Could be that pesky chisme’ again.

1: While no place is perfect, El Paso comes pretty darn close. Make your own list check it out, I’m pretty sure there’s way more positive than negative. Then share THAT list and stop depending on others to define US!