Stephen King is a weirdo.
He thinks up stories about scary-ass hotels, murderous dogs, and little kids who bring their pets back to life. He needs some Jesus in his life.
The 1980 classic movie of ‘The Shining’ written by this oddball is coming back to El Paso theaters this month. You can check it out at the Cinemark Movie Bistro, Cinemark Cielo Vista Mall, Cinemark 20 and XD, and Cinemark East Montana and XD later this month, because, Halloween.
Click here to buy tickets early because other crazy people like you will want to see this on the big screen.
I will not be one of those people who will be going to see this movie. Here’s why:
1. I like to sleep – That will not happen if, every time I close my eyes, I see Jack Nicholson’s lunatic face coming through a door he has hacked a hole in with an ax.
2. I’ll be honest with you, scary movies make me wet my pants – I am not afraid to admit that I will lose control of myself when scared if it means you won’t make me watch a scary movie. I am actually a frightened 3 year old faced with her first clown. (Side note: Parents, clowns are scary. Stop trying to make clowns happen. They are so not fetch.)
3. I am the biggest wuss known to man – If you make me watch a scary movie, I will make you go to church immediately after and say a dozen rosaries to cleanse our souls. I will also make you sleep with the overhead light on. Ask Darren. He’ll tell you I’m very serious about this.
4. The twins – No, not those twins. The twins in the movie. I have never watched even a moment of ‘The Shining’ but thanks to social media and Halloween, I know that there are two really creepy twin girls dressed in blue dresses that are an integral part of this movie. I won’t even Google to find out what their significance is because I will then have to douse my computer with holy water, and computers don’t do so well after that.
5. Being scared sucks – Look, if I want to get the crap scared out of me, I’ll just hop on I-10 at Sunland Park during a rainstorm, or try to navigate Mesa during lunch hour while high school graduations are going on. I don’t need to pay good money to sit in a dark theater with my hands over my eyes for two hours, not to mention the whole throw-my-popcorn-in-the-air-because-Stephen-King-movies-are-scary-as-hell thing. It’s a waste of perfectly good popcorn, and other moviegoers never find the humor in a good popcorn fling in real life like they do in the movies.
So there you have it. No ‘The Shining’ for me. You go if you want to. *ya weirdo*…